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While divorce is the termination of a legal and psychological/emotional relationship, it is also the beginning of a new chapter. Many couples going through the process of divorce seek to make the experience less adversarial and more collaborative because they want to minimize their stress as they end their relationship. While you cannot dictate what attitude your soon to be ex spouse chooses to exhibit in the divorce process, you can choose your own healthy response as you move into the next phase of your life.
Every divorce has two components that must be viewed as separate entities. One is the psychological/emotional aspect, and the other is the business/pragmatic element. A healthy divorce means that you want to be psychologically and emotionally available as you move forward, and if you have children involved, it means that you care about what is in their best interests. A healthy divorce also means that you can accept responsibility for at least part of the reason your marriage did not work, and work to resolve the business and pragmatic aspects of your union to the best of your ability.
Dissolving your marriage in a healthy manner also involves healing in all four of our own human systems: Physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. Real healing also means that you have to be proactive, not just reactive.
- To be reactive means that you have a choice to remain as the persecutor, victim or rescuing co-dependent that blames, avoids and hides one’s feelings. If you react you will lose the opportunity to grow beyond the pain of your divorce.
- To be proactive means to be honest with yourself, and to embrace the spectrum of emotions that will accompany your loss.
Divorce is an opportunity to become more aware of your needs and start taking care of yourself. This process requires a commitment, and the accompanying introspection will take time and energy. The healing process may also include therapy and/or divorce a recovery program.
Physically we have to deal with the stress on our body, which often means that our nerved are frayed and/or we suffer from a lack of sleep. Getting enough exercise and paying close attention to diet are also vital during stressful times. Psychologically, our mental status is at stake as well, and our brain functions such as memory, concentration, decision-making, organization, judgment and impulse control can get scrambled. It is not uncommon for people to cover the entire emotional spectrum when they are experiencing divorce. Feelings range from the “honeymoon” period associated with being suddenly single and free, to feeling fearful and isolated. Spiritually, and this may or may not include religion, everyone needs a belief system and/or philosophy to help them know they will be all right and they will feel better again.
Grieving is the key to healing these four systems. Feelings of depression, loss, anger, frustration, fear, and anxiety about starting over are all crucial for successful grieving. In a healthy divorce you have to spend time embracing all of these emotions, especially those that our personality wants to avoid, repress and deny. For many people repression of their feelings means telling themselves that they feel just fine even though they just left a marriage that spanned many years.
To have a healthy divorce, it is important to understand why your marriage derailed. The process requires that you ask some very difficult questions about your responsibility for the break up, and make an honest assessment of what you regret and what you would have done differently. You must also ask yourself what baggage you brought to the marriage. Partners need to remember that marriage is the stage where our unconscious story plays out. In a healthy divorce, it is imperative to understand your story and to learn from the divorce, or end up repeating an unsuccessful pattern in what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. To have a healthy divorce, you must be willing to be accountable to yourself, heal your wounds, and learn to forgive so that you don’t carry the emotional poison of your past into your future. Forgiving all parties involved is one of the most challenging aspects of a healthy divorce, but the key to a new beginning.
While every marriage includes you and your partner’s healthy selves, it also involves your Shadow sides. Carl Jung’s concept of the Shadow refers to the negative, sabotaging, destruction side of one’s personality that thrives on chaos. In a healthy divorce you take a hard honest look at the Shadows involvement because it represents the dynamic behind the break down in your marriage. The Shadow will reveal its destructive nature in your unhealthy divorce in a way that mirrors its role in your marriage. Divorce therapy, mediation, divorce support groups, healthy emotional outlets, journaling, Gestalting, Yoga, dance, music, all forms of exercise are proactive in creating a healing process, Medications for depression, anxiety and insomnia may also be helpful for taking the edge off the intensity of this traumatic process. It is important to be proactive during times of loss and learn to protect your inner child from harm.
In an unhealthy divorce, most people avoid dealing with their emotional reality and the grief process because it is often easier to escape or avoid the issue entirely. Typical escapes include rebound relationships, or self-medicating by becoming addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, and/or sex. Although avoiding problems may seem like the path of least resistance, it is important to remember that what you resist persists. In a healthy divorce one faces and embraces the divorce reality and the process itself.
In the end, a healthy divorce means finding and embracing an autonomous self. It means you will be moving ahead with strength and awareness, and not choosing to stay mired in the pain of your former way of being. Be willingly to pay your emotional dues because you and your children are worth it. The more you accept, grieve and are challenged to change in your divorce process, the more you will begin to move toward a new way of being with wisdom and courage!
James E. Neuman Jr., M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
Psychotherapy and Hypnosis
303-233-9371
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