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It is not uncommon for couples to encounter serious problems after marriage. It starts out positively enough. The excitement of initial romantic attraction is powerful. There are hopes and dreams of having a lifelong partner or soul mate, someone who embodies everything we have yearned for: happiness, fulfillment, completion. Someone who loves us and for us to love. A friend, companion, soul mate, and lover. Someone with whom to raise a family. Someone with whom to share experiences. Someone to give our life stability, direction, and meaning. Someone for whom we can care and who will likewise care for us. These are just some of the powerful desires that compel us toward marriage.
So what happens? Commonly we discover aspects of our partner that we cannot tolerate. Our communication worsens and may completely break down. Our sex life diminishes. The excitement and romance we had eludes us. We no longer find our partner interesting or appealing. We fight. We hurt each other. We don’t talk. We get attracted to other people. We have affairs. We feel like giving up.
These are common marriage problems that can lead to divorce. However, they do not need to be a death knell for your marriage. These darker aspects of marriage are inevitable, for no matter how much you thought you understood yourself and your partner, there is much you couldn’t know. Since we start off idealizing our partner, we must confront the disillusionment and problems that follow. While painful, this is not something bad. It is an opportunity to learn important things about yourself and your partner. It is a chance to grow and mature as an individual and as a couple.
A marriage in trouble is not necessarily dead. In fact, it may be just the opposite. Conflict in your partnership indicates that something isn’t right, that you need something better. With guided probing, you can often identify the deeper questions and concerns that have erupted in your relationship: Who am I? How do I communicate? How do I seek to be loved? What are my expectations and projections? What unconscious factors are determining my unhappiness? These are just a few of the questions you can ask. I also recommend asking another sort of question: What is trying to emerge through my marriage problem? What undeveloped parts of myself are making themselves known? What would have to transform, mature, grow, or heal to not only make my marriage work, but for it to be truly alive?
GARY TOUB, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and Jungian analyst in private practice in Denver. He works with individuals and couples to resolve conflicts and improve quality of life. He specializes in Jungian analysis and psychotherapy to help you grow, transform, and realize your full potential. You can reach him at 303-278-2448 or gtoub@comcast.net. For more information, see his website at http://home.comcast.net/~gtoub/.
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